Yesterday my husband and I were talking about my return to him and our Florida home. We have committed to better communication and to setting long term goals for saving money. We have a few more years in Florida while his son grows then we will go to Colorado. My vision of that home is true and we will be there soon. Time flys really and so there is no time limit on this dream. There is a time limit on Jacob’s childhood so we are there for him. He is a great kid and as all children are, he is deserving of having both his parents in his life.
We have been confronting the tough issues, but none is as tough as fear. Allowing ourself to be vulnerable and to trust another person is so scary it can lead to us pushing away the other person with untrusting words. My husband is trying to help me get the money to come home, but he was afraid I would use the money for something else. This told me that he doesn’t know me, understand me or trust me. I was so angry and hurt by this that I was wondering whether I should even consider going back to that kind of a relationship. I felt so hurt by the lack of trust and the feeling that someone finds me untrustworthy I just wanted to run away to the mountains or eat a cake. I just don’t understand how anyone would think of me as untrustworthy. It must be some vibe I put out?
I in fear thought it will never work, he doesn’t really love me, he can’t even trust me, he thinks I would lie and cheat him? Mark and I were both scared and angry back and forth worried for our little ego and not really living in Faith, Hope and Love. We are now. We apologized and are ready to talk things out calmly and rationally when these fears attack us again.
Then I said God will provide. I don’t need to depend on my husband or his family to provide though God may provide through them. It was like I was treating God as untrustworthy. I had a lack of belief in HIS ability to provide for my needs and to get me home. I was in fear of being stuck here and ending up homeless and unable to get home to my life there. I felt God’s pain at our unbelief. It is like a knife to the heart, a wound to the soul. I can not do that to my God. He has always been there for me through all my yo-yo living. He has picked me up when I fall. He has clothed, sheltered and provided for me no matter what. I may have been homeless or living in a tent, but He was there with me while I was growing in the lesson of that situation. I am willing to do whatever He wants to get on the path to righteousness and healing. I know when I trust him in FAITH then HE never fails, falters or stumbles.
So I asked God for forgiveness for hurting him so. I have renewed my faith and I am trusting HIM to provide the way home. If it comes from his family or if it comes from another source I know it is from HIM. I already received a phone call this morning with a job offer in Bradenton. I am ready to head home. I have a couple of opportunities to explore there.
I saw that fear and dejection lead to bad behaviors like wanting to eat or drink or smoke it away. It is only through FAITH in God believing in HOPE and knowing in LOVE that it will all work out according to HIS plan (which is way beyond anything I could dream or envision on my own) that all things become possible. My life is a mess the world is a mess and the economy is a mess. If we return to FAITH in God and stop focusing on our fears and doubts and anger, we will see the amazing power of God to heal the Earth and all who dwell here.
And anyone of you that is saying oh God is just another crutch, you are wrong. When I leaned on a crutch for a broken foot, it supported me somewhat but was not comfortable or fully supporting. When I leaned on food or smoking to calm my nervous fearful feelings, they helped somewhat temporarily but led to other health issues ultimately making me feel worse. If I say there is no God this is all there is, I feel hopelessness and despair. It is the downword spiral that leads to early death and hell.
If I believe in God I am not partially supported like a crutch, I am fully supported and enlivened with Hope and Faith and Love. I am energized to well being and health and fitness in every area of my life spiraling upward to Heaven. So the devil wants us to think he and God do not exist so we will drown in the whirlpool and be sucked into the dark depths of hell. God says believe in me and I will make you a whirlwind clearing a path of destruction through the damaging forces in your life leading to a bright new life of open sky and fresh air and sunshine. Be a whirlwind not a whirlpool….