Three years ago

February 2019

September 2019 update 7 months later total lost 102 pounds. About 40 to get to a healthy weight.

Over the past 7 months, I have been incorporating new habits to achieve health and fitness. It occurred to me that the reason we fail in our attempts to change our habits is because it’s hard to make time for them when our old habits already monopolize all our time.

In order to succeed in following new habits to health and fitness, I have had to let go of a lot of time wasting activities. Gone are the days of lounging on the sofa binge watching Netflix or Amazon Prime shows. Now I can’t sit still. I am exercising or dancing or swimming or talking with my new found long lost love. I don’t even have time for crafts because they are a sedentary activity.

But in spite of the success I am experiencing in this body rebuild it just isn’t changing as fast as I am. In overly zealous excitement, I shared new pics with my friend. Pics that are evidence of how far I have to go, more than how far I have come so far.

It must be shocking to see someone you loved and desired looking this way. So does having more weight to lose than previously understood, make me undesirable? Perhaps, from a certain perspective.

Doesn’t true love transcend the physical body. Am I not still a brilliant mind, a sensitive soul, a lover, a confidante? Even now, before I am at my goal weight, I am transcended into my former young and sexy self. The evidence is in my smile and refreshed desires. Just the sexy body is still a little buried. I am me inside. I am the me that has sparked new life in him.

This new life in me is just beginning. Outdated are the days of being overweight and unhealthy. I received a great health check this week from my doctor. I have lost 46 pounds. I have gotten healthy levels on all my blood work. Well still working on cholesterol but it is down too. I have lost 6 dress sizes already. My face is completely changed.

On my journey 9 years ago I got to where I am now then gained half back. So now I am not going back. This time the change is in my heart. It is a complete change.

Nine years ago, I left my husband because I didn’t feel he really loved me. I needed to love me enough to really get well. I left but came back because he promised it would be better. It wasn’t. That’s part of why I gained back 46 pounds. He is supportive in a brotherly manner. He rejects my love and affection. He rejects my requests to exercise together. He rejects sex. And his handicap makes communication even more difficult.

I accepted being roommates for so long because I felt trapped with out any other options. I mean I love him but we are not an equal match. If I continue to stay out of fear of walking into a new unknown life, then I will slip back into my old bad habits. Filling the love void with comfort foods. Losing myself in television. Those are bad habits that have been so hard to break. I can’t do that again. I won’t survive it. I am literally fighting for my life. And for true love.

I’ve decided I really want to go home. I have no means of doing it right now, so I will bide my time. Save money until I can make the transition back to my home.

I love Los Angeles. I was born and raised there. I have lived in many places across this nation, but none compare to LA. Returning to me means returning to my home again. This time permanently unless a different home filled with true love is found.

My mom left my stepdad at age 65 to pursue her true love and life. She and he ended up having 5 good years together until he succumbed to cancer. I think that is why I feel brave enough to try. She doesn’t regret her decision even though she is alone now for the past 9 years.

My friend said you’re looking for a way out. I said no. I’m looking for a way in.

A way into love. A way back to the life I started to live 45 years ago. I’m going back to keep the real me alive. I will survive.