I ran to California for a chance to start again away from the painful loss of love I felt in my marriage. I found instead that the loss of me really awakened my husband’s understanding of our mutual needs and painful abuses over the years of struggles. I am now planning my next step of the journey. Will it be back to Florida for a few more years or on to Colorado where I know I really want to be? I am not certain right now. My life in Florida would be changed if I returned, but would some of the things I learned about my Florida life make it more difficult as well? We still have some struggles to confront–child rearing, the ex, family dramas, work, friendships, commitments and financial issues. So we patiently talk it out as we try to find the right path of togetherness or separateness. We want togetherness, but we want to be happy together and no more painful feelings in our love. So we are talking and forgiving and planning together.
As Crosby, Stills, and Nash sang “So much time to make up everywhere we go, time we have wasted on the way. So much water runnning underneath the bridge, let the water come and carry us away.” I feel we are floating between two worlds not quite together not quite apart. We are wasting time apart, but not really as we are both learning about our true natures and desires. Will those things meet somewhere in the middle? Will we have to be apart longer than we want because of differences in dreams?
One song leads to another….Dreams by Fleetwood Mac always used to remind me fondly of my times in Florida when I was young and of my good friend and sisterhood with her. That has gone now, so I sicken at the sound of it. That change is one that will make returning to Florida difficult. Maybe that is why she did it? Did she want to make sure I would never come back? Did she do it selflessly because she thinks I will be better off if I stay away for good? Or did she decide I am no good for her brother? Or is she just a little looney or unable to deal with the emotional situation presented her between all of us? Who knows. It is time to let this person go and this song but not its title.
I still have dreams. I had a visionary dream last week as soon as we got everything moved into our new place here in San Gabriel. I was driving through a ranch gateway in the mountains, all green and lush with snow capped rocky mountains in the background. As I drove through the gate I knew I was driving home. I was entering my gate. Finally my home. I am clinging to this beautiful vision and claiming it by all the power we have to make our life what we choose. I choose this mountain home, a ranch beautiful home in the rockies where I can grow my gardens, hunt fresh game and fish in fresh rivers and streams. A place I will make completely self-sufficient with Solar, Wind and passive solar energy.
Even if my son can’t help me come there, I will be there. Even if my husband isn’t ready, I will be there. It is a place for me and anyone who will be with me will need to have the same dream…that is what I know for sure this is my dream and vision and I am creating it for my life.
The only question remaining is will it be this year or in two to four years. I don’t want to waste any more time along the way. Is it a waste being away from my love or my dream? Which is most important for my true self fulfillment. Can my love be my true love if we don’t share the same goals or dreams? Do I just go for my dreams and encourage him to go for his then see if those lead us back to each other? I do know I don’t want to give up my dreams for anyone any longer.