An Uncertain Future. That is really an oxi-moron since it is impossible to have a certain future. The future is not set and we can not predict with certainty the outcome of our choices or decisions. That is the reason it is so difficult to make a decision or choice that is life changing. We all struggle with these big decisions. We even struggle with the little decisions. The biggest struggle and uncertainty occurs when we really don’t know what we want. Or our lives may not be what we want right now, but we have made mistakes in past decisions and are afraid the future change could be worse than the present situation. Blah Blah Blah!
It comes down to this…..I don’t know what the hell to do. I am still with my husband and trying to work things out as he has made a genuine effort to make things better. But I just tried to have a conversation with him about our future and whether we might ever move to a cooler climate than Florida. I tried to talk to him about my mother and perhaps helping her to move here to be near us so I would have some family here too. He could only say “I don’t think about that” and “I don’t know”. Typical. I have come to realize that Mark is actually incapable of having adult conversations or thinking beyond the current and immediate needs of his body. He says “No” to every thing I ask. I ask about making a garden bed. “No it is too hot to grow anything out there.” I ask him about building a shelf (me building it). “No, I don’t have any time.” I wasn’t asking him to do it and by the way, he spends about 8 to 12 hours a day on that freakin computer playing poker, checking sports and looking at porn, but he doesn’t have any time for doing anything for or with me? I tell him his sister is having a party for her birthday this Saturday at the Beach and that she was getting KFC and we could all bring something. He says, “I don’t have any money.”
I ended up spending the entire weekend with his son, his three sisters and cousin and nieces. He refused to come and participate because he is too tired. I know he is depressed and addicted to addictive behaviors and using the computer to keep him sober from drugs and alcohol, but isn’t any addiction bad. I mean any thing that becomes more important than the people in your life. More important than friends, family, fun outside?
I don’t want to be bashing him. He is a good man and trying to improve his personal behaviors. He is just a person with so many hard knocks. Born deaf; it is no wonder he has trouble communicating. Karmically I wonder if this is his lesson in life, to learn to communicate and listen with no ears to hear. It is a difficult karmic lesson for me too, born a Virgo Communicator verbal and non-verbal communication are both so extremely vital to my mental health that being married to a non-hearing and non-communicative person is just bazaar!!!
God only knows why. I wonder if I tackle tough relationships on purpose. Do I choose people who are broken so I can fix them or am I so broken only broken people are interested in me? I don’t know. I know that my marriage is not the worst or even that bad and that I could decide to just stay here and continue existing as I am. But it is not what it could, should or would be if I had my way about it. So why should I stay? Why should I waste any days being anything other than living and breathing and being who I am and who I want to be. I didn’t know in the past what I really want. I do now. Maybe, if given an opportunity to find it in the future, I will achieve it.
I wrote in a comment to one of my earlier writings that I realized I really want to live in Colorado. But my son doesn’t seem to think I would be happy there because of the long winters. My mom just came up with an even better prospect. I have no family in this location, but it is affordable, with a low crime rate, lakes, small mountains, four seasons, country life within a small city/college town and centrally located about 1/2 way between both my sons. Not too much snow and cold like Colorado or too much heat and sweat like Florida. It is a cross between the two of them. Middle of the country but not in Tornado Alley or the flat lands. It has hills, and trees and fresh air and water. I am feeling it. Really. So that means I have to get ready and it is so hard to do.
I have to make some people very unhappy and I hate that part, but I have to make myself happy too. I have had to force myself to be happy and stay cheerful and on track here. It has been a hard fought battle to keep me on the path to health. The lack of real progress in my marriage over the past five years is just wearing me out. I have gone through the depression over this and come out the other side determined to work to be healthy and live healthy. I can and am doing that here, to some extent; but the vile climate and the lack of a companion, that will join in and make “HIS” hometown fun for me is making it hard. If you have to force yourself to be in a happy mood, are you really happy? Shouldn’t joy and happiness be spontaneous and easy?
It may mean I end up alone, that is what is scariest. But I would be able to live where I like, the way I like and do what I like. I guess the compromise that is a natural part of marriage has just been too much. I have compromised too much of myself. I paid the full price for a relationship that I thought would be beyond anything and I got an unrelationship instead. It is like thinking you are buying Gold and ending up with Tin. Tin is useful. It is good for cups while camping. It is good for cans to store food. It is just not shining bright and of highest value that you can trust not to rust. You can’t put tin on your finger without it turning your finger green. Gold wears a lifetime and we treasure it. Tin gets dented and old and rusted and we throw it away.
So although as my husband says “Everything should be fine. I don’t know what your problem is and I love you so much”. I do love him too and everything is okay, (not really fine). As many times as I have tried to explain what I need that I am not getting, he has ignored what I was saying, refused it and or just plain turned and walked away without even trying to talk to me or “hear” me. It is all fine and dandy for him and his life. Our marriage has greatly improved his life and has decimated mine. It has been too one sided. Of course he says everything is fine because compared to his life before me, he is having an amazing life now of comfort and services. He paid for Tin and got GOLD. I on the other hand have paid a high price and lost all of what I used to love about my life. I chose to give it up for this one thing–this relationship. It was a mistake to give up so much of myself and now I forgive myself and him, but I have to get to the next place on my gypsy path. I hope in this place I can find a true home for all the facets of my personality. It appears to be a place where the cost of living will be low enough to enable me to still have some freedom with my time as I do have here. Also, the cost to move is low enough that I can take all the possessions I have currently and not have to give up even more. I have already reduced my possessions by more than half over the past 4 years. I don’t want to lose anything more. I will miss having a companion, but I don’t really have one now. I miss him when he is in the house with me.
Wish me luck as I venture out to my next role in life.
So there it is. I am going to go soon. I am going to move on to the next phase and hopefully find a real and fulfilling relationship in the future while maintaining the relationship I have established with myself. I don’t want to do anything unhealthy or unnuturing to my body or soul anymore.
One of the most precious gifts my new husband has given me are words – “you count too”. These words were my mantra as I made the incredibly painful decision to leave my first marriage of 25 years. Was my first husband a good man? Yes, he tried. Was I happy? Dear Lord I was emotionally drowning and losing myself in my unhappiness. It is now over 4 years later. I have moved (first to California now back to Australia), I am rebuilding a loving relationship with my children, working through the baggage of guilt and self judgement, and found (without looking!) a new partner who believes in a balanced, loving and nurturing relationship for our own emotional and physical health and future. It has been a long road, but at the end of it I am the happiest I have been in as long as I can remember. The key, and my only advice to you – repeat to yourself, often, in the first few months that you WILL get through this, that “you count too”, and that despite the good things you see in your marriage, if it is crippling you and you are not being heard, the match is not the right one for your soul. I could not help but respond to your post. Be strong, be decisive, and remind yourself how important you are above all else. D
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the comment. I am sad to know that my happiness by leaving will cause him and his family so much distress, but I do know I have to be true to myself and that I count. Thank you again.