It was five years ago that I first reconnected with my then soon to be husband. June 7, 2006. I really thought it was a soul mate connection. We would write poems and prayers to one another. At that time I started on a path to health and beauty over our summer of romance before he moved to California to be with me. It was six months ago that I finally got back on the healthy track after the constant drain of fighting and talking about his ex had done it’s very nearly fatal toll on my mind, soul and body. I am back to my pre-Mark weight and healthier than I have been in years. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, if only I had kept it up five years ago, and not let his baby drama mama steal my healthy lifestyle from me. If only I had taken care of myself instead of focusing all of my energy on trying to help him heal. I did improve him over the years but not nearly as much as I hurt myself. I forgot rule number one. Love yourself. If you don’t then you won’t even be around to help your loved ones. So, it is not selfish it is the ultimate gift you can give to your family and friends. YOU!!!

I explained this to Mark, that I could have been thin all these years if he had done what he said in all those emails. When he came to California and I asked him to go for a walk to the beach or a swim in the pool or ride a bike, he should have said yes. All he wanted to do was smoke and talk about mama drama at nauseating repetitve length. I was so drained from always trying to encourage and support him that I became sick. Then when I would talk to him about my children, family or friends; he would say, “I don’t want to hear it! You are always complaining so much”.

OMG!!! I am such an idiot. I stayed too long. I should never have left California and I am getting back as soon as I can. The information that he missed out on 4 years of a sexy skinny wife because of his obsession with his ex didn’t make him happy. He was upset that I blamed him. I do a little because he did refuse me every request for a healthy happy connection as a couple, but I blame me more. I didn’t take care of me.

Oh, I know it is too late for Mark and I. I have seen nothing will ever change for him as he continues even today to allow that woman to steal his power just as I allowed him to steal mine. I won’t do that anymore.

I am all about finding the serenity in my life that I have truly sought. I kept looking for it in a man, but that I have determined is assanine. Men are not serene. They are the opposite of that. Sorry guys, no offense, but your very nature is warring or reserved. Not serene and communicative. You are from Mars and we are from Venus which means in fact that you are cool, aloof and distant from the Sun while we are hot and passionate and closer to the Sun. We need the beauty, art, music, creativity to just breathe. Creativity isn’t reserved for women only, but regular Joe’s (regular husbands) don’t always understand a woman’s need to create a place in their home for beauty and art and romance. It is a woman’s need to feel connected to the heart and passionate nature of our core. We have a need to put on a production, to shine.

Look out California, I am coming home and I am going to SHINE again.