I shut down this site in 2013 and thought it was gone forever, but found out it’s still here. Six years later, the thoughts, prayers, problems are still all going on. I am still working on getting healthier, still struggling with communication with my husband, still crafting, still not free to bust out from behind a desk into a craft job. But now I have decided to look forward to retirement and be free to Art and Craft at leisure and not work.
Although communication is still difficult with my husband, I realize it is what it is and is always going to be. I can’t expect him to meet my communicative needs. It has been tough accepting this because I feel lonely here. My ceramics classes ended. My two closest friends here moved away. Another friend pulled away from our friendship for an inexplicable reason. So all I have here is my husband and his family, which are all great, but still not mine. You know, a friend that knows me or wants to know me as I am. A friend that likes me the way I am. One who gets me, appreciates my out of the box ideas, and my unique person.
Ironically, fate has provided just such a person. Not a local person, (which I do want for hanging out; my sister’s in law help fill that role), but a long distance friend from long ago and far away. I found my first true love and we are chatting. It is fun talking with someone who can articulate thoughts and has broad interests that we once shared.
Now before you all start saying uh oh, where she going with this. It’s all fine. He has been happily married for 38 years, father of three beautiful grown children, and lives 1,000 miles away. But like me, and I suspect many of you, we realize our beloved spouses can’t fill all our emotional and intellectual needs.
So I am enjoying reconnecting with my old friend. We kind of grew up together, though he was/is older than me. We were each other’s first serious relationship. For four years, during the 70’s we lived life large in L.A. We never fought or argued. We were simpatico. We only split because of some life changing circumstances. We loved each other still, we love each other still. That is the amazing part of finding a long lost love. You realize love is never really lost, it lives on in spite of years of lost time.
Naturally, feeling all this love reboot is confusing and confounding, but it doesn’t alter where we are in our lives now or who we’re with now. It actually enhances where we are. We have had an amazing realization that our love was as real or even more real than we always thought it was. That we were and are real.
Since that relationship ended, I often regretted the choice I made to leave. I even more regretted turning down his marriage proposal a few months later. I am sorry for hurting him and leaving him. Of course things happen that can’t be undone. Fate played her part.
Would we go back to the beginning? Perhaps, if possible. The thing is we can’t go back and just like “Peggy She Got Married”, our children and grandchildren wouldn’t exist. So we are right where we are supposed to be. But now we can still share this love without all the old insecurities about where is this going. We are where we are going, this is simply an enhancement to where we are now.
My husband is aware and okay with the two of us talking. His wife is okay with it too. Since they love us and know us, they know how important and influential we were in each other’s lives. Reconnecting with that piece of ourselves that we thought was gone forever, will only make us happier and stronger. It’s an opportunity to recover from this loss. A chance to forgive ourselves and accept our fated lives. To be grateful for the lives we’ve made, while being able to heal our past and start a new friendship with an even greater opportunity for open communication than we had when we were so young.
In My Life
“There are places I’ll remember, All my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better. Some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments, with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living. In my life, I’ve loved them all.
But of all these friends and lovers, There is no one compares with you. And these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new. I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things that went before I know I’ll often stop and think about them.
In my life, I love you more…”
So to my dear friend, I am so happy we have found each other again. And my other friends, welcome back to my blog.