Below is a letter (email) I sent to my husband just 3 short months after our marriage. It had already started, my giving away the farm and getting little in return. I have hung in for four more years since then and have cried a river of tears.
I am bothered by an attitude I feel from you at times. While I know you love me, I don’t feel your passion for me. I have not lost more weight because since you got here, I have been working on building our relationship. I have forgone my exercise and music and walks on the beach for being a good wife and listener to you. I have focused all of my energy on helping you to heal and get over Jackie and get through this custody case. I have given my love, nurturing, commitment, healing prayers, money, time, and relationships with my friends and family all to you.
Yet, you still refuse to let Jackie out of your heart. You love me, but you are still “in love” with her or maybe the idea of her, I am not sure which. Maybe you just like being abused, neglected and taken advantage of. I can’t imagine how you can feel so much for her and yet not have taken the time to get to understand how much you hurt me by this or to truly see the magnificent person IT has given to you as a gift for all time in me.
When you said “You want me to send Jackie a hundred dollars for a graduation gift?” I could have choked you to death. I remember in January when you embarrassed me and made me feel bad at J C Penney’s for expecting you to buy a very inexpensive wedding ring for me. It didn’t cost much more than $100 and it is supposed to represent our never ending love and I will wear it the rest of my life. I have always shared everything I have with you and you seem to resent giving me anything. I like the sweet cards you got me for Christmas and Valentines Day and Easter, but why don’t you ever think of taking me out on a date? You keep saying you don’t have any money, but you would give $100 to Jackie for her graduation. When she sent you that horrible insulting pack of lies in an envelope with Jacob’s name on the return right before your birthday instead of an actual card or letter from Jacob for your birthday.
I didn’t marry you because I want to be Jacob’s mother. I married you because I love you as you are. But I love me too, and I can’t allow you to keep insulting the way I look when you don’t take any time to spend with me doing something that might be good exercise and relaxing for us like going to the beach or park and walking together. I will be a good stepmother to Jacob because he is your son and I love you and I love him. I love your whole family just as they are, but you wish to have nothing to do with mine, stating being around them too much will make you want to drink.
Well, I am okay with making you my family, because I chose you as my husband, but you have to make me your family too. I need your passionate kisses that I swear I have only had five or six of in the last 6 months. And I like our sex and the fun way we are open with each other, but sometimes, I need it to be love making not just horniness and needing to get off. I need to feel desired like I desire you. I need to know you can get aroused thinking of me, the whole me the person inside of this body you find so distasteful. I need to know that I am more important than Jackie. I need to know that you are more committed than just seeing how the relationship goes for the next three years. I need to know you more than just appreciate me for my generosity and kindness, that you passionately love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me.
So next time I try to give you a deep longing kiss, return it with the same fervor that you focus on the news, sports, Jackie or anything else but me.
And next time I ask you if you want to go for a walk with me, say yes, because just going for a walk together every night would help me to lose weight and would be relaxing for us instead of just sitting here fuming about Jackie, Jacob or just vegging out watching TV and eating chocolate or doing house chores.
We need to get a life. I have tried to give us that, but it takes two baby. It takes two.
I love you and I know there is a wonderful sweet gentle man inside of you and Avatar of God that truly can passionately love, I just wish it were me that you felt that way about.
Love your wife “
I am a slow learner. Seeing as how I have been saying the same thing for four years to this man and still have not gotten any better result, you think this is definitely a dead horse? I know it is. It is just so hard to know I failed again. I don’t fail. I am a straight A Student. Yet I have failed at marriage. I guess you can’t be good at everything…..Ce la vie!!!